'Twas the Night Before Christmas and Mary Fell Off the Donkey

Oh well, now, you think Bizarro is dead and buried because it's been a few months. In the words of Pearl Jam: I-I-I-I'm still alive! Yeah, I-I-I-I'm still alive. Real life has been kicking my ass lately but I'm a fucking Foo fighter. Bizarro number three will come out soon and there will be trickz involving republican presidential contenders, rude origami and alien jizz. Stay tuned.

Suffer the Children!

Poor Eugenia Flatsbury...she didn't see anything funny about the latest issue of Bizarro: The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. 220 volts of alternating current coursing through her little noggin ought to change her attitude. Of course that cloth-covered wiring is a little frayed and her toes might blacken just a bit...but at least she'll have those bouncy curls again.

The many-times delayed, infamous Children's Magic issue is finally out. Bizarro Issue 2 contains violent, sick mayhem perpetuated on and by the younger set. There's bloodshed, deformity, ritualized satanic sexual abuse and all the other things that make life worth living, conveniently packaged as magic tricks. You can play pin the tail on the martyr at this party by sending twenty bucks, Paypal, to bizarromag@gmail.com

Be sure and specify issue #2 if it's the one you want. Issue #1 is also available for the same price. And please. Do it for the children.

I've Been Bad

All the promises...all the excuses...still there's NO Bizarro Issue #2 adorning the inboxes of the faithful. For those who pre-paid, thanks very much for your order and your overwhelming patience will be rewarded very soon. I apologize I haven't gotten this finished sooner, and just as soon as I'm done with my spanking I'm going to crawl naked through broken glass and rusty nails, scouring the pavement with my tongue until it's bloody. This has nothing to do with my apology; it's just a little something I like to do.

For those just joining the party, Bizarro is The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. Clearly, I'm doing my best to live up to the random part. It's a thick, viscous, snot-like stew of bizarre magick, mentalism, off-color close-up, liscentious card tricks, smutty chapeaugraphy, filthy hand shadows, indecent mathematical stunts, sordid ventriloquism, scatological finger puppetry, dishonorable science experiments and unspeakable boy's "amusements".

Bizarro Issue Two explores the lovely world of Children's magic. Ah, children: Their chocolate-smeared faces, giddy laughter and non-stop questioning. No wonder President Lincoln was moved to say, "Man is never as tall as when he stoops to slap a child." Because scum of the earth comes in pint-sized, too. Issue Two will explore fratricide, bungled circumcision, third grade murderesses, kiddie suicide bombers, ghastly Halloween mishaps and sacrilege. Plus the usual penis tricks.

Since I've been a liar and a fraud in terms of getting Issue 2 out when I said I would (my, the cobblestones are lovely here on the road to hell) I'm going to run a crazy sale on Issue One until #2 comes out. (My inner eight year old is laughing like hell at that last sentence.) For the next few days or so, until Bizarro 2 is published, you can order Bizarro Issue One for half-off. That's 10 bucks USD and you'll get it as soon as I get your money. If you want to pre-order Issue 2 you can still do so for $15. Both will go back to the usual $20 price when Issue Two becomes available, probably sometime before the sun goes supernova.

What the hell, you want BOTH Issue one and an Issue two pre-order? $20.

Paypal $10 for the Issue One sale, $15 for the Issue Two pre-order or $20 for both to bizarromag@gmail.com

And kick your kid for me.

I've Been Busy

I was just completing Bizarro Issue Two but decided I could better concentrate somewhere quieter, like, say, at the bottom of the absinthe bottle across the room. Later, I'm told, I donned a skeleton suit and crawled out my bedroom window, baying for the moon and Wilma Flintstone, clutching a Jack Wild hand puppet and a copy of Jule E. Miller's Spiritual Applications for Tarbell One.

To my absolute dismay, a rival gospel magician had set up her tent where I usually give hand jobs for quarters, no doubt like myself wanting to get a jump on the Easter rush. She was right in the middle of her Father-Son-Holy-Ghost Professor's Nightmare routine when I knocked her to the ground with a flying tackle and began strangling her with her own ropes. The audience thought it was part of her act and began applauding wildly. Unfortunately the mask on my skeleton suit was not properly ventilated, causing me to become winded and allowing the senior citizen to get the best of me. Her legs firmly locked around my neck, she began punching me in the head until I passed out and woke up in a holding cell with John 3:16 scrawled on my chest in Avon lipstick. Luckily, I found my Jack Wild hand puppet when I went to the bathroom. The two of us sat up all night entertaining our fellow prisoners with our rousing rendition of 'Pufnstuf for Mayor' until one critic saw fit to twist my puppet-clad wrist until it looked like a wood screw. Even with this handicap I managed to earn three cigarettes in the drunk tank.


So with all this going on, Bizarro Issue Two has been slightly delayed (again.) If you've pre-ordered you WILL get the random journal of fucked-up magic, appropriately enough, just in time for Easter. If you're late to the party you can still get a copy, as well as Issue One, by sending $20 Paypal (per issue) to bizarromag@gmail.com

Snatch It While You Can!!!

We've been busy as beavers preparing Bizarro Issue Two and if you were one of the fortunate to take advantage of the pre-paid special it's just days away from being slipped into your inbox. The curtains will soon part, revealing Issue Two for the cunning monster it is. It's full of the usual, damned peculiar magic you won't see anywhere else, hoo-hoo satire and lampoon. If you've missed the boat, don't slit or gash your wrists: just spread open your wallet and paypal 20 clams to bizarromag@gmail.com for the most recent monthly issue.

Bizarro Issue One is still available for the same price.

Aw, Baby, Don't Cry

You still have one more day to pre-order Bizarro Issue Two for $5 off the regular price. Twisted magic plots, peculiar methods, cartoons, satire and smartassery can be yours by sending $15 paypal to bizarromag@gmail.com before April 1st. After that, the price pops back up to $20. Of course, Issue One is still available for $20 as well. It's gonna be okay. Have a tissue.

Grim; or smiling while dying

Bizarro is, of course, founded on sophomoric humor at the lowest common denominator. Fart and dick jokes rule the day. As Issue Two evolves, though, another side emerges.

Friend: What the hell are you laughing at, Puddlewinks?
Me: Oh, just the sheer terror of being alive.

Bizarro Issue Two explores actual horror. Not ghost stories, movies about demons or stuff that's fun to watch. It's about magic concerning the real-world nasty we all have to make our way through like a rat in a maze. It's dark. It's grim. It's us.

Sure, the comedy ha-has are there, too. 'Cause you either laugh or cry. But still. Just as a word of warning, issue two is going to be a different kind of beast.