'Twas the Night Before Christmas and Mary Fell Off the Donkey

Oh well, now, you think Bizarro is dead and buried because it's been a few months. In the words of Pearl Jam: I-I-I-I'm still alive! Yeah, I-I-I-I'm still alive. Real life has been kicking my ass lately but I'm a fucking Foo fighter. Bizarro number three will come out soon and there will be trickz involving republican presidential contenders, rude origami and alien jizz. Stay tuned.

Suffer the Children!

Poor Eugenia Flatsbury...she didn't see anything funny about the latest issue of Bizarro: The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. 220 volts of alternating current coursing through her little noggin ought to change her attitude. Of course that cloth-covered wiring is a little frayed and her toes might blacken just a bit...but at least she'll have those bouncy curls again.

The many-times delayed, infamous Children's Magic issue is finally out. Bizarro Issue 2 contains violent, sick mayhem perpetuated on and by the younger set. There's bloodshed, deformity, ritualized satanic sexual abuse and all the other things that make life worth living, conveniently packaged as magic tricks. You can play pin the tail on the martyr at this party by sending twenty bucks, Paypal, to bizarromag@gmail.com

Be sure and specify issue #2 if it's the one you want. Issue #1 is also available for the same price. And please. Do it for the children.

I've Been Bad

All the promises...all the excuses...still there's NO Bizarro Issue #2 adorning the inboxes of the faithful. For those who pre-paid, thanks very much for your order and your overwhelming patience will be rewarded very soon. I apologize I haven't gotten this finished sooner, and just as soon as I'm done with my spanking I'm going to crawl naked through broken glass and rusty nails, scouring the pavement with my tongue until it's bloody. This has nothing to do with my apology; it's just a little something I like to do.

For those just joining the party, Bizarro is The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. Clearly, I'm doing my best to live up to the random part. It's a thick, viscous, snot-like stew of bizarre magick, mentalism, off-color close-up, liscentious card tricks, smutty chapeaugraphy, filthy hand shadows, indecent mathematical stunts, sordid ventriloquism, scatological finger puppetry, dishonorable science experiments and unspeakable boy's "amusements".

Bizarro Issue Two explores the lovely world of Children's magic. Ah, children: Their chocolate-smeared faces, giddy laughter and non-stop questioning. No wonder President Lincoln was moved to say, "Man is never as tall as when he stoops to slap a child." Because scum of the earth comes in pint-sized, too. Issue Two will explore fratricide, bungled circumcision, third grade murderesses, kiddie suicide bombers, ghastly Halloween mishaps and sacrilege. Plus the usual penis tricks.

Since I've been a liar and a fraud in terms of getting Issue 2 out when I said I would (my, the cobblestones are lovely here on the road to hell) I'm going to run a crazy sale on Issue One until #2 comes out. (My inner eight year old is laughing like hell at that last sentence.) For the next few days or so, until Bizarro 2 is published, you can order Bizarro Issue One for half-off. That's 10 bucks USD and you'll get it as soon as I get your money. If you want to pre-order Issue 2 you can still do so for $15. Both will go back to the usual $20 price when Issue Two becomes available, probably sometime before the sun goes supernova.

What the hell, you want BOTH Issue one and an Issue two pre-order? $20.

Paypal $10 for the Issue One sale, $15 for the Issue Two pre-order or $20 for both to bizarromag@gmail.com

And kick your kid for me.

I've Been Busy

I was just completing Bizarro Issue Two but decided I could better concentrate somewhere quieter, like, say, at the bottom of the absinthe bottle across the room. Later, I'm told, I donned a skeleton suit and crawled out my bedroom window, baying for the moon and Wilma Flintstone, clutching a Jack Wild hand puppet and a copy of Jule E. Miller's Spiritual Applications for Tarbell One.

To my absolute dismay, a rival gospel magician had set up her tent where I usually give hand jobs for quarters, no doubt like myself wanting to get a jump on the Easter rush. She was right in the middle of her Father-Son-Holy-Ghost Professor's Nightmare routine when I knocked her to the ground with a flying tackle and began strangling her with her own ropes. The audience thought it was part of her act and began applauding wildly. Unfortunately the mask on my skeleton suit was not properly ventilated, causing me to become winded and allowing the senior citizen to get the best of me. Her legs firmly locked around my neck, she began punching me in the head until I passed out and woke up in a holding cell with John 3:16 scrawled on my chest in Avon lipstick. Luckily, I found my Jack Wild hand puppet when I went to the bathroom. The two of us sat up all night entertaining our fellow prisoners with our rousing rendition of 'Pufnstuf for Mayor' until one critic saw fit to twist my puppet-clad wrist until it looked like a wood screw. Even with this handicap I managed to earn three cigarettes in the drunk tank.


So with all this going on, Bizarro Issue Two has been slightly delayed (again.) If you've pre-ordered you WILL get the random journal of fucked-up magic, appropriately enough, just in time for Easter. If you're late to the party you can still get a copy, as well as Issue One, by sending $20 Paypal (per issue) to bizarromag@gmail.com

Snatch It While You Can!!!

We've been busy as beavers preparing Bizarro Issue Two and if you were one of the fortunate to take advantage of the pre-paid special it's just days away from being slipped into your inbox. The curtains will soon part, revealing Issue Two for the cunning monster it is. It's full of the usual, damned peculiar magic you won't see anywhere else, hoo-hoo satire and lampoon. If you've missed the boat, don't slit or gash your wrists: just spread open your wallet and paypal 20 clams to bizarromag@gmail.com for the most recent monthly issue.

Bizarro Issue One is still available for the same price.

Aw, Baby, Don't Cry

You still have one more day to pre-order Bizarro Issue Two for $5 off the regular price. Twisted magic plots, peculiar methods, cartoons, satire and smartassery can be yours by sending $15 paypal to bizarromag@gmail.com before April 1st. After that, the price pops back up to $20. Of course, Issue One is still available for $20 as well. It's gonna be okay. Have a tissue.

Grim; or smiling while dying

Bizarro is, of course, founded on sophomoric humor at the lowest common denominator. Fart and dick jokes rule the day. As Issue Two evolves, though, another side emerges.

Friend: What the hell are you laughing at, Puddlewinks?
Me: Oh, just the sheer terror of being alive.

Bizarro Issue Two explores actual horror. Not ghost stories, movies about demons or stuff that's fun to watch. It's about magic concerning the real-world nasty we all have to make our way through like a rat in a maze. It's dark. It's grim. It's us.

Sure, the comedy ha-has are there, too. 'Cause you either laugh or cry. But still. Just as a word of warning, issue two is going to be a different kind of beast.

Who Wants Bizarro Issue Two?

Easy there, Janet. Bizarro Issue Two is available for the pre-publication price of 15 USD until April 1st. After that, it'll be the usual 20 clams. If you take advantage of the 1/4 off special, the e-mag will slash it's blood-spattered way into your inbox the first or second week of April, just in time for Easter.

Bizarro Issue One is still available for 20 bucks and includes effects with dead animal feet, open wounds, penises and live bees. Worse yet, there's stuff with playing cards. There's also cartoons aplenty and rude jokes at the expense of others.

Maybe the toasted cheese sandwiches have gone to my head. Put on my dead mom's dress and call me crazy, BUT, I tell you what: You want BOTH Issue One AND to pre-order Issue Two? Thirty bucks for both until April 1st. You'll get Issue One in your mailbox ASAP and Issue Two when it slithers out in April.

Paypal your stolen moolah to bizarromag@gmail.com Be sure and put Issue One, Issue Two or BOTH in the subject line so I know what you want. Ok, gotta go. Mother's calling.

Oh, You Lucky, Lucky People

For those of you who purchased Bizarro#1, the promised update is just a day or two away. The rest of you who haven't bought one will need some serious throat protection. It's National Lampoon meets M.U.M meets Spanking Boy Scouts meets Chavez School Quarterly meets Enema Girls of the I.B.M.

If you're late to the game, send $20 Paypal to bizarromag@gmail.com

For the rest of you, keep watching your inboxes.

What Am I, An Idiot?

So I made the grand announcement that Bizarro was good to go, but, fuckwad that I am, forgot to include how to buy the damn thing. Simply Paypal 20 US dollars to bizarromag@gmail.com and today's version of Greater Magic will appear in your inbox. Well, maybe if Hilliard was gooned off his ass on absinthe, had card tricks involving ripped flesh, was only forty pages, featured pictures of nekkid people, teased the collective nipple of the bizarre magic crowd, involved intimate anatomy as a magic prop and was funny. Otherwise, yeah, it's just like Greater Magic. Order your copy today. Twenty bucks Paypal to bizarromag@gmail.com

Prance, ChaCha, Prance!

Thank the blood-streaked, weeping tears of Twinkie the Kid. Bizarro #1 is finally out and in the hot little inboxes of purchasers worldwide. The good news is that you Facebook folks won't have to hear about it now that the pre-pub sale is over. The bad news is that if you want it, it's gonna cost you 20 clams. Or US dollars, your choice.

ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

Today is the absolute last day to take advantage of the pre-publication special! $15 bucks nabs you the first issue of Bizarro: The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. Tomorrow it goes up to $20 and stays there. Paypal 15 clams to bizarromag@gmail.com before midnight! You too, Mr. Sheen. You wouldn't people to start associating crazy with the name Charlie now, would you?

Time Is Short!

Little Magnolia Butterfield Abbey, seen right, died under suspicious circumstances although infanticide could not be conclusively proven aside from her mother's non-stop giggling. "What a shame," M. Goulart, the funeral director, was heard to comment. "If she could have held off for another three days she could have received the first issue of Bizarro: The Random Journal of Fucked Up Magic. Oh well." Not only that, but she could have gotten it for 20% off if ordered before March 1st, 2011. In three days the price jumps to 20 smackers, but you can get it for 15 before then by sending your Paypal moolah to bizarromag@gmail.com Magnolia would have wanted you to.

7 Days Left For Bizarro's Pre-Pub Special

That's right, there's only a week left to take advantage of Bizarro's $5 off special. What can you do with $5? Nancy Thighmistress, shown right, will personally come to your child's birthday party and perform her delightful vent act. A fun mix of singing, magic and audience participation can be yours for only five dollars, courtesy of Nancy. Or you could buy a sack of White Castles, most of a tube of hemorrhoid cream (rub it on your abs before shirtless clubbing to give you that ripped look) or a 'happy ending' massage from a homeless person. So dash off that $15 Paypal to bizarromag@gmail.com today!

BIZARRO #1 Is Coming!

Bizarro is a magic magazine devoted to the dark underbelly of conjuring. It's rude, crass and every bit as unpredictable as its publishing schedule. This doesn't mean solely the witchy-spooky side of what Bizarre Magic(k) has come to mean among Ren-fair rejects, but rather anything warped or strange or bound to impact an audience (er, in one way or another.) Sure, each issue will be crammed with twisted effects, but also a trippy blend of satire, theory and smartass remarks at the expense of others.

Bizarro is sold on an issue-by-issue basis--no subscriptions--and gets emailed to you in .pdf format. You want a paper thingy, print it out yourself. It's 20 bucks a pop. Mind you, this is no four-page newsletter. Hell, the first issue is thick enough to pass as a book. A very strange, irreverent train wreck of a book, but a book nonetheless. Hell, some fuckers charge forty clams for a 16 page pamphlet devoted to one effect, 13 of those pages consisting of the author's carrying on about how great what you've just bought is and how you can earn a living with it and of course the customary lecture on how value isn't determined by a page count.

So come on. Fork over that twenty bucks. Baby needs a new pair of tit clamps.

PRE-PUBLICATION SPECIAL!!!

Bizarro is set to launch March 1st, 2011. If you pre-order before March 1st, you can get the first issue emailed to you for $15 USD. Sorry, but PAYPAL ONLY. Paypal your 15 smackers to bizarromag@gmail.com, I'll send you a confirmation letter and you'll receive issue one on or before 3/1/11.